The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
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Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
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I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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