Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
