You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
