Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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