my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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