I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
