All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
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