dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
