it hurts more in the daytime
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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