I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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