i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
