I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
