HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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