i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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