i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
