Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
