Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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