i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
