Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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