There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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