His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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