hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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