I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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