My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
