I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
