I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
