My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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