I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
