I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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