You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
