Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
