On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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