No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
