I wanna bring you to show and tell
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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