I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
tell me about the eggs
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