Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
