i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
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woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
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Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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