just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
