I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
