i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
