and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
