True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I've blown a few things in my day
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
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Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
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She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover