Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know