My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.