theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
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I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
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She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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