i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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