Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
