I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.