my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.