No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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