Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
