My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
