I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head