Don't you send me to vm
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
