He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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