I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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