Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
should my penis look like a turkey
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
