I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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