he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
