Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Randomize
