Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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